The Dread Sues of Tulsa
by North American Scum
Summary: Welcome to American Literature, Part Two. Make sure you bring sporks and Advil, because this semester we'll be studying the vile Mary-Sues plauging the Outsiders fandom.
1. Classification of Sues

**A/N**: Mary-Sues are the thing that everyone loves to hate, and Outsiders fandom has a shitload of them, but not nearly enough things mocking them, so I felt obligated to make fun of them. Plus I just thought my snark muscle needed a bit of exercise. By the way this is written as a half-assed story, because I suspect I might get booted of if it isn't. I am once again going to ask for spelling critique because it appears as though I have had some kind of neurological happening that causes me to be unable to spell tonight.

**Disclaime**r: I do not own the outsiders, nor –thanks be to god- the sues I mention. If someone leaves a review defending themselves for writing any type of sue I mention I reserve the right to taunt them mercilessly.

Here in American Lit. Part Two, we do not learn about such things as actual great (or even decent authors) authors. Rather, we focus on a rather more pertinent matters in the world of writing: The Dread Mary-Sue.

Open your text books to page 6…

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_**Species and Sub-Species of Sues in the Outsiders Fandom**_

**The Bad Ass Sue**_(Homo Sueus Butcheus)_

**Personality: **mouthy; adventurous; brave; tough; a good fighter; independent, emotionally guarded; generally acts in a way completely implausible for a female in 1966; probably a total skank (or, as in would be really amusing to call her because it makes her sound like an evil robot, a "mananizer")

**Appearance: **often has a permanent scowl; when the author ventures into purple-prose territory, is described as fiery, or with other equally vague adjectives that essentially mean bad-ass; probably "so skinny she could be anorexic", possibly with "curves in all the right places".

**Possessions: **cigarettes; anachronistic wife-beaters; optional heart of gold; Dallas Winston's testicles in a jar on her desk

**Past: **guaranteed to be extremely rough, and probably includes rape or sexual abuse (the after-effects of which will never manifest in any way other then her telling off some grabby socs); obligatory passage about "the world turning her cold" or some such drivel

**Guy of Choice: **Dallas

**Miscellaneous: **there is a lot of parallels between this sort of sue and Dallas, except that she shares none of his charm

**The Nurturing Sue **_(Homo Sueus Freudian)_

**Personality: **kind; healing; motherly; responsible; near angel-like in her ability to swoop in to the rescue after someone has been jumped

**Appearance: **the most typical description includes flaxen hair that shines like the stars above, shimmering eyes that show wisdom beyond her years, radiant skin that brighten up the world around her, and massive tits for some reason

**Possessions: **a first aid kit of some kind; feminine clothing; a poor sense of humor; the suspicions of those around her that she is a robot of some kind

**Past: **she may actually be older, or she might just be an "old soul"; one of the few sues without a _truly awful _past

**Guy of Choice: **Darrel or Johnny, if the author has mommy issues

**Miscellaneous: **This is the kind of sue that gets off on dropping in when a guy is hurt emotionally and physically and healing him back to health, falling in love along the way

**The Soc Sue **_(Homo Sueus Wealthius)_

**Personality: **presumably a stuck up soc, but she just "wants something more"; has a secret rebel side; intelligent, at least enough to be in advanced classes; is scared shitless of the greasers for about five seconds, or until she decides which one she wants to bang

**Appearance: **strikingly beautiful, not just beautiful mind you, but _strikingly _beautiful, this girl is like a goddamn bolt of lightning, her beauty is so _striking_

**Possessions: **a house full of expensive possessions; an empty heart; a sudden disregard for social classes

**Past: **a soc, but not "evil"; usually there is some kind of foreshadowing incident in which all her friends harass a greaser but she just stands by with haunted eyes

**Guy of Choice: **Usually Sodapop, sometimes Two-Bit

**Miscellaneous: **Most girls, upon reading the outsiders, feel conflicted about Cherry Valance. On one hand she was rich and cool, but on the other she didn't get to hang out with the greasers. So they create a sue that is basically an idealized version of Cherry being nice to the gang.

**The New Girl in Town Sue **_(Homo Sueus Introductus)_

**Personality: **this is a rather general sue, as it can overlap with any other kind of sue, but is usually the catch-all for perky, friendly, bubbly, lovably ditzy sues; they usually have a level of hyperness that an actual human being possessing it would probably be taken away to be studied at area 51

**Appearance: **hair color and complexion varies, as do eye color, but you can be damn sure that whatever color those eyes are they will be "bright" or "lively"; feminine; extra beautiful, so the boy of her choice can fall in love with her at first sight

**Possessions: **heavy boxes, so that whichever guy is her neighbor can help her carry them into her house; outfits that are described in even more detail than other sues, inexplicably

**Past: **She moves from an idealized version of a city like Chicago, Los Angeles, or New York, usually for reasons that are mysterious, or maybe just poorly explained.

**Guy of Choice: **as with personality and appearance, this varies, but most commonly Sodapop

**Miscellaneous: **This sue is the one (next to future and set of seven sues) that is most commonly the dread, dirty sounding, self-insertion

**The Weird Sue **_(Homo Sueus Outcasteus)_

**Personality: **different in a incredibly contrived way; dreamy; some kind of artist, be it visual art or some other kind; attempts to sound intelligent, but fails hard because the author writing her is usually stupid; acts in a way that would be completely off-putting to all but the most tolerant of people

**Appearance: **there's probably something physically "off" or unique about her, like a scar or a tattoo; dresses in a strange way; for some reason, tends to have some kind of uber special eyes

**Possessions: **an instrument, sketchbook, or notebook of some kind; maybe a distinctive piece of jewelry

**Past: **usually teased or made fun of at school (although there is nothing conceivably wrong with her, besides being "different") until the greasers see past other's treatment of her

**Guy of Choice:** Ponyboy, sometimes Johnny

**Miscellaneous: **this type is among the rarer species of sue, but when she appears reading her story is either slightly enjoyable or equal to the pain of having hot bamboo strips shoved under your nails

_**The Sues Beyond This Point Vary Too Much/ Are Too Foul To Be Described in Detail**_

**The Future Sue **_(Homo Sueus Warpius)_

**Miscellaneous: **This is a story involving time travel where either the Curtis gang is thrown into the future or a girl/several girls (depending on how the author's social life is) are sucked into 1966. _See set of Seven Sues_

**The Sister Sue**_ (Homo Sueus Relatus)_

**Miscellaneous: **The sister of a canon character. This character is, strangely enough, rarely Two-Bit, and usually is the Curtis'. Often they are a long lost sister, but sometimes an author has the balls to just pretend they weren't mentioned. The sister sue will have a personality/look exactly like her brother's, the exact opposite of her brother's, and, in the case of a Curtis sister, will be a perfect combination of Sodapop and Ponyboy, with a bit of Darry thrown in for good measure.

**The Set of Seven Sues **_(Homo Sueus Luckius)_

**Miscellaneous: **This is when the author and six of her friends (who may or may not be in on it) are turned into female versions of the gang (in both looks and personality) and fall in love with their respective greasers. May of may not involve time-travel and/or being sucked into movies/books. It if mandatory that every story of this type include a scene in which the guys are introduced to dreadful modern music. It should be noted that the female versions of the names Sodapop and Ponyboy are often particularly painful.


	2. Interactions with Canon Characters

**A/N: **I'm having way too much fun writing this thing. I've had about one hater (I'm not sure if that means I'm not doing my job well enough or if I've just underestimated people), and all the other reviews have been lovely. Unfortunately, I'm too dense to know how to reply to these reviews, so until I someone tells me or I figure it out on my own, I can only reply in spirit.

_**Interaction of Sues with Canon Characters**_

The most general thing to keep in mind when examining the interaction between Sue and canon character is that in bad fanfiction the world is seen through pony-colored glasses, so there will be a lot of similarities to the way he is with the guys. However, everyone usually manages to be woefully out-of-character anyway.

**The Bad Ass Sue**

**Johnny Cade: **In most cases, his relationship with the sue mirrors his with Dally. He expresses this with the subtlety of a jackhammer on a lazy Sunday afternoon; often saying something like "That girl sure is something."

**Ponyboy Curtis: **Apparently, he has some unresolved rebelliousness that we've never heard about that he needs to act out with the help of this Sue. It's always either that or the author uses his innocence to play up her OC's lack of innocence.

**Sodapop Curtis: **Before exploring any Sue's relationship with Soda, it's important to know that his character is almost always beat into submission and turned into either SugarandSpice!Soda who is hyper beyond all comprehension or AllThingsNice!Soda, disregarding the fact that in the book, he's still kind of a hood. Bad Ass Sue fics tend toward the latter. The main character is disgusted by this in most cases, but sometimes finds it almost endearing.

**Darrel Curtis: **Instantly forgets that he is only twenty years old, and once the cool kid in high school, becoming a coffee-drinking, newspaper-reading, straight laced, disciplinary tight ass, who would rather chew off his own arm than let Ponyboy hang out with the Mary-Sue (experts say that that is the right idea when it comes to sues anyway).

**Keith "Two-Bit" Mathews: **He will definitely get wasted with the Sue at some point. Depending on how promiscuous the author wishes she was, this may lead from anything to slurred flirtation to sloppy, drunken sex (that is still amazing anyway).

**Steve Randle: **This Sue is one of the few that actually gets along with Steve Randle, probably because they're both gear heads.

**Dallas Winston: **The execution of the dealings between Dallas and the Sue has no variation. They are _always _skeptical at the beginning until she _always_ makes a smart remark and then they_ always_ become partners and crime, which _always_ leads to them becoming lovers.

**The Nurturing Sue**

**Johnny Cade: **These two can sometimes interact in a non-disturbing way, but only when the sue is going to get with Darry. Otherwise, she heals him and generally acts motherly toward him until bam, next thing you know they're making out.

**Ponyboy Curtis: **This is the rare sue that doesn't always spend a lot of time with Pony, and if they do they're not really on the same level.

**Sodapop Curtis: **The only one who can get this Sue to loosen up a little. Beyond that, he is little else. These Sues have a notorious disregard, despite being "caring" and "gentle", for those who are not their love interest.

**Darrel Curtis: **The only one the author tells (not shows, mind you) us is a real equal of the Sue. Despite this, when they finally get together, it still has the vaguely disturbing quality of falling in love with his own mother.

**Keith "Two-Bit" Mathews: **The bad jokes that Two-Bit is forced to make in this type of Sue fic are extra painful. They lack the actual wittiness of his real jokes and they don't even make up for it with filthiness found in more brazen fics. It's just as well the Sue doesn't have enough of a sense of humor to laugh at them, so they don't have much of a relationship.

**Steve Randle: **If he isn't entirely disregarded, then this sue is usually his cousin that is mentioned in the book. For some reason authors feel compelled to take that little tidbit, that was probably only a little weekend visit, during which she met Steve's friends for ten minutes, into an epic where she falls in love with one of those friends.

**Dallas Winston: **She disapproves of him and/or patronizes him in a way that would cause the real Dallas Winston to cut a bitch.

**The Soc Sue**

**Johnny Cade: **The Soc Sue's reaction to Johnny is one of the worst cases of logic rape that these fics thrust upon us. Even though that author manages to swipe the book's description of him as a kicked puppy, they disregard where it says he would still look threatening to other people. He's usually the one who first introduces her to the gang, and sometimes the one she gets with in the end.

**Ponyboy Curtis: **She often is assigned to work with him on a project (these projects are often totally ridiculous because half the time the author is in about the fifth grade and has no idea what high school work is like). At first she bitches about it to her friends, complains to the teacher, and generally acts like a little punk about it, but they ends up friends in the end.

**Sodapop Curtis: **If Johnny's not the one that makes her feel comfortable with greasers, he is. I would like to stress that this has absolutely nothing to do with his physical attractiveness. Nope, it's all in his good heart and magnetic nature. There is absolutely nothing to suggest it's because he "looks like a Greek god come to earth" or "attracts girls like flies".

**Darrel Curtis: **Darry's reaction varies between two extremes. Sometimes, as with the Bad Ass Sue, he is immune to Sues ( it is rumored that scientists have studied his genes in an attempt to make vaccines), or he is the lead member of her fan club.

**Keith "Two-Bit" Mathews: **At first this Sue will behave as though she has a stick up her ass, and condemn him as being immature, but she will grow to love him by the end. Just you wait.

**Steve Randle: **Almost completely ignored, except maybe once, but just to mention that she has a nice car.

**Dallas Winston: **She hates him at first. Hates him like a fat man doesn't hate cake. Of course, under this is a very poorly concealed fondness and respect for him. This may blossom into love at some point, but usually if an author wants to do Dally she'll just write a bad ass sue.

**The New Girl in Town Sue**

**Johnny Cade: **He is stunned by her beauty when he first sees her. We know that he's pretty intimidated by girls, but the way he reacts to this girl will have you thinking he falls to a sniveling heap on the sidewalk every time he sees someone mildly attractive.

**Ponyboy Curtis: **They will share all of the same interests, and make some nice small talk. This chit-chat masquerades as the sort of deep conversation that causes people to become lifelong friends, and we start hanging out all the goddamn time.

**Sodapop Curtis: **Usually the one person who's beauty can make this Sue stop and stare. This attraction will obviously turn into true love by chapter 4 and sex by chapter 7.

**Darrel Curtis: **This is one of the few Sues that Darry possess no degree of immunity to. He will invite her over for dinner, encourage Ponyboy to hang out with her, and in some more fanciful stories invite her to live with them, even though, if they did that, they would probably become famished to the point that it would be all they could do to decide who to cannibalize, what with the fact that they are freaking poor.

**Keith "Two-Bit" Mathews: **This Sue has the ability adopt whatever type of humor the author assigns to Two-Bit. For example if his humor is corny, they'll tell each other knock-knock jokes; if he likes one liners, they'll have witty banter. He'll hit on her too, because apparently he's a total horn dog. No one had informed me.

**Steve Randle: **There are few documented cases of Steve actual being an integral part of this sort of sue story, but if he does appear, she'll be sure to impress him.

**Dallas Winston: **The one and only Curtis gang member who may not totally worship at the Sue's feet. I wouldn't get too excited, however, because she will either eventually prove herself or totally own him in whatever argument they have.

**The Weird Sue**

**Johnny Cade: **The key word here is intimidation. The fact that she doesn't dress exactly the same as every other girl absolutely knocks his socks off. He'll probably stutter when he talks to her, even though there is nothing really indicating that he stutters.

**Ponyboy Curtis: **Ponyboy is fascinated by her in a totally not creepy way. The multiple scenes where he stares at her in class whilst waxing poetic about how special she is by no means indicate an unhealthy obsession with her. Because of this…interest_, _he'll be the first person to find out just how fucking wonderful she is.

**Sodapop Curtis: **He'll always be nice to her, and never join in the other guys in making fun of her. We all know that's totally realistic, because Soda never does any wrong and he would never join Dallas in doing anything not nice to girls.

**Darrel Curtis: **There is little overlap between these two, because usually she goes to school with Ponyboy and doesn't live near them. If he does meet her he'll definitely take time to comment on her bizarreness.

**Keith "Two-Bit" Mathews: **He'll probably tease her until she uses one of her sarcastic comments on him. Usually the author doesn't even say what this comment was (it will literally just say "she made a sarcastic comment"), but I can assure you Weird Sues' comments are absolutely _scathing._

**Steve Randle: **He'll probably hate her at first and never be anything but cynical about her. He might possess and even greater degree of Sue immunity than Darrel.

**Dallas Winston: **She'll probably put him in his place too, but this may turn out to be one of the few cases where Dallas never ends up totally kissing the Mary-Sue's ass. Thank god for small mercies.

**The Future Sue**

The fact that these sues are always blatant self insertion (insert porn grooves here) allows for too much variation in relationships to describe in the space and time allotted.

**The Sister Sue**

She will be exactly like her brother in every relationship except… err, more so. For example, if she is Johnny's sister she will be even more protected and pitied than Johnny is; if she's a Curtis sister, she'll use her head even less than Ponyboy and get told off for it even more.

**The Set of Seven Sues**

These are a very special kind of sue, so I have included a brief description of each guy's female counterpart.

**Johnny Cade: **She'll have a description torn straight out of the first couple pages of the book, and always be abused. She will also have a scar like Johnny that may or may not be identical to his. She will be called cute or adorable at least once.

**Ponyboy Curtis: **Has a dumbass name. Sometimes even to the extent that her name is Ponygirl. She never uses her head. We are told she is smart but there is little to no documented evidence of this.

**Sodapop Curtis: **Also possesses an epically stupid name, usually food themed, such as Candycane or Cokezero. She's beautiful, and sometimes sexually abused because of it. She's cheerful all the time anyway.

**Darrel Curtis: **May or may not be an actual relation or authority figure of one of the other girls. If she's not, it's always a really awkward relationship with them.

**Keith "Two-Bit" Mathews: **Has an amazing sense of humor. The author always tries to give her something equivalent to Two-Bit's "many blondes", but usually fails. Has a retarded nickname like "Two-Cents".

**Steve Randle: **Usually the author assigns this part to whichever one of their friends they secretly don't like.

**Dallas Winston: **She's tough and basically that's her only personality trait. At some point in the story she will punch out a guy.

See _Why Steve is the Lucky One by Mahatma T. Honeysuckle, published by Little, Brown_


	3. Signs of Sue

**A/N: **So, I've had a couple reviews saying that if I want to improve Outsiders fiction I should actually put some up. I'd like to thank those people, because they gave me an idea for one that I'm really excited about writing. It'll be research-intensive, plus pretty long, so it'll take me a long time to post it, assuming I finish it to a degree I find satisfactory. I just felt the need to share that, because I'm really happy about it.

**Obligatory Yet Sporadic Disclaimer: **I don't own the Outsiders or the oxygen theives that I make fun of.

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_**Marks of Sues in Writing Style**_

**The Unforgivables **

You just should not put these things in your writing (any kind of writing, not just Outsiders fic). Ever. Seriously, it will make your story suck.

**Chatspeak: **You may use chatspeak while you're on IM talking to your best friend forever about all the dirty things you want to do to Ralph Macchio (circa 1983, I hope), but if you decide to go write it out through Johnny Cade, be prepared to speak English. It has been scientifically proven that if you spend too much of your time decoding rotten English, then your ability to work with regular English deteriorates. Do something for the nation's intellect. Write normally.

**Author's Notes in the Text: **If your name is not Douglas Adams, author's notes right in the middle of the goddamn chapter are banned in all fifty states. When someone is reading, even if they are completely engrossed, adding a parenthetical statement mid-sentence about how adorable you think this part is will wrench them right out of their concentration. I promise you, people will forgive you if you do not elighten them about whatever bullshit is going through your head every second of the day.

**Rambling on About How Great Your Sue is: **Before reading this portion I'd like you to do a little social experiment. Call up a few of your friends. Make them all meet up with you somewhere, explaining that you have something very important to share with them. Now, when they show up, excited to hear what you have to say, just prattle on about how amazing you are. Continue doing this until they walk away or one of them belts you across the face. That is what it's like to read a six paragraph introduction about how sexy, brave, kind, funny, smart, and charismatic your character is.

**Anachronisms: **There is pretty much only one thing a character with a cell phone, lip gloss, cropped tops, and lime green Chuck Taylors who likes to hum Fall Out Boy Songs could possibly be doing in the Outsiders world: acting as a stand in for her author (and being a terrible scourge on the world of literature). Even if they're not a big part of the story or glaringly obvious, like a classmate using an erasable pen, they just seem lazy and careless.

**Telling Instead of Showing: **One of the first things they say to you in creative writing courses is show don't tell. They continue to say this to you through the entire duration of the course. They will pound it into your thick skull until you're saying it in your sleep. The reason they do this is because it really improves you writing. Imagery makes a story more interesting to read. If you give readers a situation that shows how your character is witty or athletic you won't even have to explicitly say they are. People will like it better when you assume they'll figure it out, because it doesn't insult their intelligence.

**Purple Prose: **When a person goes too far with descriptive language, purple prose gets involved. Writing that is flowery, overdone, and adjective-ridden to the extent of purple prose gives me a tension headache. Hair can be blonde; hair can even be golden blonde or the color of wheat. Hair can never "flow down her back with the beauty of the ocean on a summer's day, but with the hue of the sun shining in a serene meadow."

**Wooden Dialogue: **In most Mary-Sue stories people talk as though they are being forced to speak at gun point. Dallas Winston wouldn't say "Are you joking, I would never go out with a girl who is like her." He would say something a bit more like "You gotta be kiddin' me. I broad like that ain't good enough for me." The characters in the Outsiders have their own voices. Use them when you write their dialogue.

**Cheap Plot Devices: **There are literally only a handful of things that ever happen in Sue fics, which will be gone over in the next chapter. What makes these things cheap plot devices is the fact that they serve no other purpose besides getting the Sue with her greaser of choice. Bad things never have any ramifications past two chapters after it occurs. They just make your story look like it was written by one of those online essay factories.

**Shout Outs to Your Friends: **There is a difference between a shout out and thanking your beta or any people who helped you with research and writing. Shout outs are something a bit more like "I WANNA THANK MAI GIRLZ SHELBEE AND MADDIE AND MEGAN!! YAAA!! And BTW Shelb I put u in this chappie, and you get to be wit SODAPOP!!elventy". Not only will a shout out like that warn everyone of collateral a Sue named Shelbee, but it will make everyone think of you as an annoying bitch that can't shut her pie-hole.

**Tantrums: **People will occasionally give you something other then glowing praise, especially if your story is shit. Sometimes this will be respectful concrit and sometimes it'll be rude. It is your job to sit there and take it. Freaking out and telling the reviewer off in the next chapter is the least professional thing you could possibly do. Seriously, if poor feedback really bothers you, go take a brisk walk around the block or even have a good cry, but then just deal with it and try to improve your writing.

**Characters that Only Exist to Make the Main Character Look Good: **Every single Sue fic has some guy who never learned to keep his hands to himself and a soccy, shallow antagonist. If not there to entertain readers or further the plot and they only allow the protagonist to put them in their place and, in theory, make her look awesome, then they don't belong in the story at all.

**Actually Telling People it's a Mary-Sue: **It's like going into a public place and announcing that you like to expose yourself to kindergarteners. It's nothing to be proud of.

_**The Occasionally Acceptable**_

The key word here is discretion. If you put one of these things in you story, don't just throw it out there without thinking about it long and hard.

**Putting Song Lyrics at the Beginning: **A lot of published authors include a few quotes before sections begin (for some reason the first one to come to mind is Stephen King…). This does not mean you can go slapping Good Charlotte and Simple Plan songs at the beginning of every chapter. However, if you have some kind of quote that you think really sets off the story, or a song that plays a part in the story (like it's playing on a jukebox where the characters are socializing), it's not a deadly sin to include a **brief **part of it.

**Special Characters: **No one wants to read about sparkly, perfect, ass-kicking Sues, but no one wants to read about some random smelly bastard who lives down the street either. You need to give us a reason to care about and be entertained by your character, without making them seem like god's gift to the earth.

**Pop-Culture References: **In most fanfiction, the mention of a certain band or movie is usually just an excuse to show off how awesome her tastes are, and to squeeze another little part of herself into the narrative. In Outsiders fiction pop-culture references (time period appropriate, of course) can show that the author actually put some time and research into what they're writing, rather than just stomping repeatedly on their keyboard, as most fanfiction writers seem to do. Just don't overdo it.

**First Person Point of View: **Most Sue fics are written in first person point of view. This is because most Mary-Sues are really just an idealized version of the author, otherwise known as self-insertion (insert suggestive hip thrusts here). The thing that matters most when picking a style of narration is your motives behind it. Only you know if you're writing it because it's most effective, or if you just really want to be in the position you're writing from.

**Characters With Rough Pasts: **Much like special characteristics, rough pasts can either make a character into a cliché or really help deepen them. If you're going to include some drama in your OC's life, then you need to have it affect her and the story. You can't just put write something about her being abused or running away from home for shits and giggles. It's honestly offensive to people who have had problems like that, not to mention the fact that it'll make people want to punch through their monitor.

Alas, I've lost my original source, but as a consolation prize check it out: worldhaveyoursay./2008/08/15/is-the-internet-making-us-stupid/


	4. Sue Cliches

**Author's Note: **I have just decided to make lame excuses for why I took so goddamn long to write this part. Among said excuses are I have a lot of schoolwork, despite assumptions to the contrary I actually do have a social life, and I'm very lazy.

**Disclaimer: **Neither the Outsiders nor any stupid pop culture references I may or may not make.

_**Mary-Sue Clichés**_

Unsubstantiated rumors have it that the government issues yearly documents to Outsiders Sue authors detailing accepted plot devices and events that may occur in their stories. These are some of them.

**Rape: **This one makes me really upset, so I'm going to just get it out of the way. Many Sue fics begin with the girl being raped by drunken socs, who apparently have nothing better to do on a Friday night than assault young girls. This allows the girl to be discovered by the greasers and put into the victim role. She will most likely be nursed back to health at the Curtis' house, where one of the guys will fall in love with her. I am not even beginning to delve into the psychology of a writer who thinks rape is a good way to create romance.

**Abusive Parents: **This one goes into the "Holy shit, that's pretty heavy" category along with rape. A lot of writers don't seem to understand that being abused, especially by someone who is supposed to be trusted leaves a person pretty messed up. Serious mistreatment does not result in nothing but a couple scars and a late night sob-fest, and it should not be used as an excuse to have healing sex with some fictional guy who an author finds sexy.

**Injuring Guys: **This is the opposite of rape as a plot device. When an author wants to make her (because, lets be honest, they're usually girls) character seem strong and they have no way of showing that other than physical strength, they'll make her beat up a guy. The guy in question may be soc or greaser, but he was always sexually harassing her. The injury she causes him will always be something visible, like a black eye or broken nose. Besides the "visible guy injury" being a lazy plot device, it is also a bad idea because internal bleeding would be a way more badass injury to give to someone.

**Make Up/ Break Up: **This is when an author repeatedly has her main character and her boyfriend get together and break up, get together again and break up, etc. until they stop updating or everyone in the reviews begs them to please have mercy, for the love of god. Yo-Yo dating (as it is sometimes known) appears in stories where there is literally no other plot besides the romance between the two characters. Actually, authors don't even usually care that there is no conflict or anything enjoyable in the story to speak of, so there are only two situations where they will resort to this technique: 1) she has written 78 chapters and she needs something to fill up the next 22 until they get to the 100 they promised they would write for her best friend or 2) she is on chapter six and doesn't feel like she could rightfully make the greaser of her dreams sex up the main character until chapter eight. Basically, it's filler.

**Exotic Girl: **Because there are few girls mentioned in the Outsiders, when authors want to include a girl in their stories (or at least the Sue stories), they usually make one move from another place. This girl will always move from somewhere that could be considered interesting. These places can range from France and England to Kenya and New Zealand. Sometimes the author even has her character move from New York or Los Angeles and expects us to think that it's exotic. Sorry honey, but _millions _of people live in those cities, so girls aren't exactly hard to come by. At any rate, everyone will be insanely fascinated with this girl and want to be her friend, but she'll probably shun ninety percent of them. Frankly, I blame Twilight.

**Supposedly she's Smart: **Sue writers continuously tell us that their character is smart, funny, tough, and friendly and then having her act like a stupid, humorless, wussy, sociopathic oxygen-thief. This really just goes back to the whole "Show don't tell thing". I could sit here telling you that I'm the last Czar of Tonsielvania, but that doesn't make it so. Likewise, Sue writers always tell us about all a character's good qualities, only to have them act completely opposite.

**An Insane Amount of Talents: **A character who is a good artist does not single handedly make a Mary-Sue. Unfortunately, Outsiders Sues (and all Sues, really) always have two dozen talents. Want to have her character hang out with Steve? Make her able to fix cars. Want her to get along with Ponyboy? Make her a writer. Two-Bit? Make her an expert at shoplifting. There's no limit to the things the ever-porous sue can absorb when she hangs around with a gang of seven guys.

"**You! Back to the red light district": **Outsiders Sues often dress and act like total skanks. In the 1960's a girl could not fuck around without it seriously harming her reputation. Sue authors usually ignore this fact and have their character running around in a mini-skirt making out with her latest boy toy on a random street corner. A lot of the time, this Sue will be a past girlfriend of Dally's, and despite her whorish ways, they will fall in true love when they meet again. They will then have sex (Now with 99 more emotion!!), which I'm surprised is possible, seeing as this girl's genitals have probably melted off from all the venereal diseases she's sure to have contracted. I prefer to think of the authors of fics where the main character acts like a total harlot as little purity ring wearing catholic school girls who wish they could slut it up like their character.

**Loss of Virginity: **Conversely, some girls are ever-virginal angels (at least at the beginning of the story). Sometime during the story her boy of choice will have first-time sex with her, as he'll be a virgin too, even if it's Dallas. This act of coitus will be perfect. It'll be painless, totally not awkward or messy, no one will burst out laughing, fall off the bed, or fart or anything, and both will orgasm… at the same time. I'm still trying to decide if the girls who write fics like these think both sex partners being virgins validates true love, or if they just have some kind of massive fetish.

**All of the Greasers Being Together All the Time: **If a story starts with a rape it will be all of the greasers that find her. If it starts with the girl meeting the greasers walking down the street, it'll be all of them. If she goes back with Ponyboy or someone to meet his friends, she will meet every one of them From the amount of times every single one of the seven member Curtis gang appears together you would think they follow each other into the goddamn bathroom. They may be each other's closest friends, but that doesn't mean they don't hang out with only a few of their buddies at the same time or even with _other people._

**Love at First Sight: **Immediately after seeing the Sue one of the greasers (or all of them, if the author is feeling especially frisky) will be consumed with desire for her. This is obviously because they are true soul-mates, not because the Outsiders happens to be a total sausage-fest, plus the fact that they're teenagers. Seriously kids, it's not true love, so keep it in your pants.

**Truth or Dare: **This cliché goes above and beyond the call of duty, appearing in not only Outsiders fics, but Sue fics written in literally every fandom in the world. People only get hypersexual dares and questions, never anything like "I dare you to go over their and lick the radiator" or "What's your most embarrassing moment?" This is because the basic function of this scene is to give an excuse for the main character to show her love interest her boobs without being called too much of a whore.

**Out of Character: **Mary-Sue stories are not about the characters in the Outsiders; they are about how those characters fall in love with an author stand in. As such, these characters will be bended to the whim of the girl whose pants they're supposed to want to get in. Sometimes every character will be changed for the story, like puzzle piece that doesn't _really _fit, but goddamnit if you won't make it. There is a veritable menagerie or OOC greasers, from sweetandsincere!Dallas to incrediblyhorny!Ponyboy.

**Tearful Confessionals: **Although it would still be terribly painful to see written by a Sue author, any one of the Curtis gang has a damn good reason to be crying at night. However, 99 percent of the time it is the Mary-Sue that breaks down crying about one of her bull-shit problems. I will spare you the details, but this scene will usually end with her crying on a totally sympathetic greaser's shoulder. Sometimes, the author will take it further and have it end with a kiss or fucking, depending on how chaste they're feeling.

**Introducing Everyone from 1966 to Her Favorite Modern Band: **Often, this takes place in AU or future fics, but every once in a while you have the god-forsaken story where My Chemical Romance exists in the 1960's with absolutely no explaination whatsoever. Regardless or when it takes place, this scene will usually fill up and entire chapter with the main girls getting all of the Curtis gang to rock out to their favorite rock band, or (lord have mercy on my wretched soul) grind to Lil' Wayne or the like. Honestly, this sort of thing happens in Sue stories more often than decent people would like to believe.


	5. Sue Names

**Author's Note: **Indeed, it took me a freaking long time to post this chapter, which I suppose I'll say I'm sorry for. More importantly, this is my last chapter unless someone jumps in with something like "But wait you've forgotten ! You can't quit without that!"

**Disclaimer: **If I'm ripping something off, I don't own it.

_**Mary-Sue Names**_

As a general rule, Mary-Sues are never given a name that would be reasonable for the time frame that the Outsiders exists in. Regardless, the name is one of the biggest parts of a Sue, next to her tits.

**Boy's Name on a Girl:** Now, I'm not one of those people who is like "EGHADS! A MALE'S NAME ON A FEMALE?! FETCH ME MY SMELLING SALTS!" , but at the same time I kind of wonder what the hell possessed the author's of Mary-Sues to use guy's names. Granted, they usually want their character to appear tough when they do this, but they totally overlook that a girl with a really masculine name would be very bizarre in the 1960's. And, overlooking that, there have been times when I've been reading a story about a Sue with a guy's name and not realized the character was supposed to be a girl until I started to wonder why every dude was hitting on them. Just as a side note, usually the name ends in "ie". It is my opinion that if you want to make the name more feminine, then don't give them a dude's name in the first place.

_Examples: Mitchie (Disney, I'm looking at you), Frankie, Stevie, Dwight_

**Ponyboy Wannabe: **Just because a government executioner poisons people, it doesn't mean it's ok for you to do it too. Just because sharks occasionally eat people, it doesn't mean it's ok for you to do it too. Just because Michael Jackson runs around without a nose, it doesn't mean it's ok for you to do it too.

It stands to reason that just because S.E. Hinton gave two of her characters some really crazy names, it doesn't mean that it's ok for you to do it too. Seriously, the justification "my dad was an original person" only works once, if that. Don't you dare try to you steal it.

_Examples: Candycane, Caligirl, Summerday, Lollipop, Snickersbar _

**Name with a "Deeper Meaning: **When a Sue author things that they have created a character that has a beautiful personality that no one could ever match (except themselves, if they're arrogant), they sometimes feel the need to illustrate this with the character's name. Sometimes they'll go the rather obvious route, but the more creative and annoying writers will go on or something and search for a name that means "charming and cute". I prefer the route, because it often results in something completely redonkulous, like Huxley.

_Examples: Faith, Hope Charity, Huxley_

**The Incredibly Gothic Name: **Sometimes a character's name just has to be as black as their soul. Because I'm not a racist prick, I'm not at all going to make any kind of joke that this black name might be something like Shownquisha. No, I mean that this character dances through the gossamer threads that make up the darkest nights of the human soul. Or at least her name does. Seriously though, one would think that Goth, like Hammer pants and those platform shoes with little goldfish in the heels, would be the sort of passing trend that immediately after its demise everyone would swiftly throw it out and look around slightly embarrassed that they ever owned such things. Apparently such basic, decent human psychology does not apply to those who are deranged enough to write Outsiders Sues.

_Examples: Ebony, Raven, Elvira_

**The Times of Yore Name:** Authors who know that the Outsiders took place, "like such a loooooong time ago!!", but have no damn idea when it was. Or maybe they're just enamored with bad fantasy novels along with bad fantasies of Rob Lowe. I'm not sure whether it's worse when the writers give them these names intentionally to make them sound elegant (or however it is that medieval names make you sound), or when they just have no clue about the general wrongness of a girl named Christabel running around Tulsa.

_Examples: Adela, Gaynor (all together now, everyone smirk!), Lauda_

**The Trendy Name: **On the other hand, sometimes a writer will just choose a name that's completely modern. This Sue's name will be right off the top of the 2008 baby names list, but absolutely no one will make any comment in the story, unless they're a snotty soc (unless the have one of those snooty names like Kinsley, too). Sometimes, I think this trendy name thing is just because the female author really, really wishes she was named Roxidoodle, and while she's making up stories about a poorly disguised version of herself getting laid with Dally, she might as well go ahead and call herself that. They really like the letter Y, too.

_Examples: Blaise, Aria, Irelynd, Rylyn _

**The Holy Shit What Is That Name: **Sometimes a Sue name defies all logic. Sometimes writers just decide to go all out and throw rocks at their keyboard for a little while in order to name their character. Maybe they're just wildly impulsive free-spirits, who want to convey that their Sues are too. Maybe their mommies just didn't tell them how special they were when they were little. There will be tongue gymnastics and generally ugliness.

_Examples: Nimroy, Chemix, Qwerty, Jadonna _

**The Author's Name: **I'm not going to lie: I sort of admire the amount of balls that an author must have not to even hide the fact that they are living vicariously through their character. I mean, it's like their writing one of those really horrible personalized romance novels that you can buy for discount prices online for themselves. Occasionally, they'll spice it up by changing some of the S's and I's in their name into Z's and Y's.

_Examples: Anthing. Seriously. _

**The Dumb Ass Nickname: **Sometimes I'll see the name a character has and it'll be something like Linda or Sarah and for about five seconds I'll be thinking "By Jove, I think you've got it!"

Until I see the stupid, stupid, stupid nickname that they've given her.

These people have read about Harry Potter's dad one too many times. People's friends do not usually give them nicknames pertaining to their appearance or even personality unless they run some kind of secret spy ring. Do people realize just how annoying and idiotic they sound when they refer to their character as something like "Razz?" Really, I can only conclude that they don't.

_Examples: Swan, Skippy, Dropkick _


End file.
